Allow Yourself to Mourn
Someone
you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important,
need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and
feelings regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an
essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often
frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This brochure
provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your
personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your
grief is unique. No one will grim in exactly the same way. Your
experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship
you had with the person who died; the circumstances surrounding the
death; your emotional support system and your cultural and religious
background.
As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own
special way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of other
people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should
last. Consider taking a "one- day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to
grieve at your own pace.
Talk About Your Grief
Express
your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing
occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it
often makes you feet better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart,
not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control, or
going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find caring
friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those
persons who will 'Walk with,"not in front of" or "behind" you in your
journey through grief. Avoid persons who are critical or who try to
steal your grief from you. They may tell you, "keep your chin up" or
"carry on" or "be happy." While these comments may be well intended, you
do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no
one has the right to take it away.
Expect to Feel a Multitude of EmotionsExperiencing
a loss affects your head, heart and spirit. So you may experience a
variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion,
disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a
few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow
each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur
simultaneously.
As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they
are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And
don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of
grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be
frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a
natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who
understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Allow for, Numbness
Feeling
dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of your early grief
experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your
emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling
helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are
more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional LimitsYour
feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your
ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your
low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and
mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced
meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself
doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are using survival
skills.
Develop a Support SystemReaching
out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly
when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do
at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends
and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those
people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings -
both happy and sad.
Make Use of Ritual
The
funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.
It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most
importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside
yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to
repress your feelings and you cheat everyone who cares for a chance to
pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.
Embrace Your SpiritualityIf
faith is part of your life; express it in ways that seem appropriate to
you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death of
someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief
work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever
thoughts and feelings you need to explore.
You may hear someone say,
"With faith, you don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your
personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and
explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite
problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your
grief as well.
Allow a Search for Meaning
You
may find yourself asking. "Why did he die?" "Why this way?" "Why
now?" This search for meaning is another normal part of the healing
process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the
healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily
in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen
responsively as you search for meaning.
Treasure Your Memories
Memories
are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies.
Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that
your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a
lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person
in your life.
Move Toward Your Grief and Heal
The
capacity to love require the necessity to grieve when someone you love
dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying
your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming.
Embrace your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen
quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and
tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved
changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again.
It's simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before
the death.
"The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in you life."
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt
Center for loss and life transition